Pure Admiration

112309

I don’t think some people know how amazing they are.

 

Bad Habit

112209

Some people bite their nails while others may scratch their arms.  Whatever bad habits people may have, they’re most probably, well, bad.

For me, it’s probably saying that I’m going to do something and ending up not doing it.  It’s not hypocrisy.  It’s more like I tell a person that I’ll do him or her a favor and end up either forgetting about it or just being swamped with other work that I’m forced to abandon it.

Today, the full effects of this bad habit were revealed to me.   Friday night, my friend Jann asked me if I were going to tonight’s dance competition, in which her dance group was going to dance.   Being only mildly interested in watching so many groups dance, I was leaning towards not going.  But my sister suddenly says that she wants to go, so in the end, I tell Jann that I’m going with my two sisters.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon.  I realize that I have a lot of homework to do, and there was a friend that I really wanted to hang out with.  The dance competition was going to take a big chunk out of my doing homework time and hanging out time.

Because it was such an inconvenience, I contemplated telling Jann that I couldn’t make it.  I would save money for the entrance fee and the time it takes to drive back-and-forth and the show itself.   But, I told myself, “You already told her you were going.  You can’t.   You have to go.”  (Besides, she would’ve killed me.)

I don’t know what part of that reasoning truly convinced me, but I definitely realized that if I wanted to truly break the habit, then I should experience the consequences of staying with it.   Even if I had to stay up to finish a Calculus take-home test and study for a Biology test.  Yep.

I should probably talk about the competition itself, huh?  Project D won.

 

Out of Whim

112109

JYP Entertainment (엔터테인먼트) decided to hold auditions in New York City today to watch hundreds of aspiring teens fight for a chance to become a star.   This talent agency is the home of Korean artists such as the Wonder Girls, 2PM, and 2AM.  In order to wow the judges, people have to demonstrate their talent through their skills in singing, dancing, acting, or modeling.

OK, enough about that.  My friend told me about the auditions a few weeks ago, and I didn’t really think I would go.  It wasn’t until this last week that I thought to myself, “Why not?  It would be a fun experience.”  Because I felt so laidback about it, I didn’t even prepare a song to sing.  Becoming a finalist wasn’t really a goal in my head.  Truly, I was just there to see what all the hoopla was about, since I’ve heard quite a few people in my school talk about it.

Finding the place wasn’t too difficult.  We immediately recognized the place by the long line of Asians that trailed in front of the door.  (No racist!  99% of the people in line was literally Asian!)  My sisters, my friends, and I registered, and I was #632.  The ones who were standing next to the door, waiting to enter, were in the mid-500s, so we were still a long way off.

All this time waiting, I definitely wasn’t nervous.  My biggest concern was that I still didn’t have a song yet.

Long story short, I ended up singing “You Belong with Me” by Taylor Swift because my sister thought I should.  I…sucked…so…much.  Unfortunately, right before I came up to sing, the nervousness kicked in, and I completely choked.  I started in the wrong key, and I forgot the lyrics.   Everything just fell apart. The judge was kind; he made only a small gesture when he wanted the person to pretty much stop wasting his time.  No rude scoffs or remarks.

I was a little bummed afterwards, but I just kept reminding myself, “It was all for fun, remember?”  I just laughed it off, even though I wished everything turned out perfectly.

 

What Does That Make Me?

112009

A calm and innocent day at Tram’s house.  A nice day, spent inside the safe confines of her house.

Surfed the net using the laptop in Tram’s room.  Rummaged through her fridge to find some homemade food.  Planned to watch a bad movie.  Played video games instead.  Tried to solve some clever riddles.  Played Scattergories and Pictionary.  Ate some more.  Watched some TV.

Meanwhile, a group of friends out there are driving around in a car.  They’re probably feeling a little crazy with it being Friday night and all.  Freedom from school, you know.  Blasting the music and dancing in the back of the car.  Even the driver’s a little pumped up.  They might not have a destination, but they’re driving.  Alcohol is optional, but it’s not definitely not banned.  They know they can take care of themselves and are almost sure that it’s all in good fun.

Both groups think that they’re doing something fun.  They can feel it.  They’re doing something different, but they have the same feeling, that same feeling of amusement.

We all derive fun from activities that our own personalities and interests determine.  We wouldn’t do something that we’re not interested in.  When we find whatever these activities are, shouldn’t we all feel that same rush?

But I feel like there’s something that I’m missing.  I’d been used to enjoying those simple things my friends and I have done for the past few years—just hanging out inside someone’s house.  But I now find myself yearning for something different.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I think I should start being more out there.  I feel like all the fun I used to have inside the house has been losing its appeal.  For some reason, I want to be in someone’s car, driving around and going crazy, even though right now, I’m thinking to myself whether I would even enjoy that.  I’m almost certain that there’s going to be that voice inside my head that will be way too conscious of the happy-go-lucky attitude that I often associate with that second group.  But there’s still that unexplainable desire.  I can’t deny it.  It’s there.

Because let’s face it, do we really want to be the kind of adults whose idea of fun is staying inside all night playing some childish games?

But, my friends, please don’t take this as my declaration of my waning interest in hanging out with you.  Because you know that I know that you guys are amazing.  Besides, I’m pretty sure most of you guys feel the same way already.

P.S. Sarah gave me a lollipop today.  ‘Twas a delicious green apple flavor.

 

One Eighty

111909

Gloomy days.  They need to stop appearing so frequently because they’re seriously draining out the joy from me.

When things don’t go the way you want them to, don’t you just get in a bad mood?  You try your hardest to make it happen your way, but fate hates you and keeps you away from your goal.

Imagine that under a dreary sky.

We then settle for less and try to make the best out of it.  In the end, things may not have gone according to plan, but they still leave you satisfied.

‘Twas my day.  An incredibly bad mood after school, the details of which I don’t have the will or patience to tell.   Then, the Student-Faculty Volleyball Game that evening completely turned my day around.  I may have done terribly during the game, despite a promising performance at practice, but I ended up having fun.  I may have cost the student team one whole game, but that’s all right.  All I know is that I left that gym with a smile on my face, along with a few friends to celebrate the fact that we’re alive.

 

What a Nomad

111809

After school, I went to my friend Michi’s house with Michael and Michi.  Hehe.  Everytime I go there, I ask for some Japanese food.  I feel kinda bad, but I love food.

But that doesn’t mean that I use my friend Michi to gain access to some Japanese food.  It’s been a while since I got to spend some time with her, and hanging out at her house for a few hours watching the Tyra Show was pretty worthwhile.

Then, Michael and I left and headed to his house two blocks down.  We talked about things that had been bothering us and sort of got things straight.  It wasn’t really a hang-out day.

Walked home afterwards, with my driver’s license sitting idly in my wallet.  Sigh…

 

“Looks Like Morning in Your Eyes”

111709

Sunrise, sunrise

Looks like morning in your eyes

But the clocks held 9:15 for hours

– Norah Jones, Feels Like Home, “Sunrise,” 2004

I’m not really sure of the significance of these lyrics.  All I know is that I listened to it yesterday, and I fell in love with Norah Jones again.  Although I appreciate the jazz style of her music, it is Norah Jones’ voice itself that really gets me.  It’s peaceful yet sultry.  Very appropriate when you just want to lie down and let everything around you go as they usually do.

Then, I discovered yesterday that she was going to release a new album today.

So I drove to the nearest Target and bought it.   I haven’t listened to it very much yet, but I’m generally satisfied.  It takes a while for me to appreciate most songs.

 

A Few Random Thoughts

111609

• The grass is always freaking greener on the other side.  I never knew what it meant when Macy Gray sang about it, but I often refer to this when I think about my life right now.
• Avoiding drama would be so easy if you aren’t part of the cause of it.
• Sometimes, things are fine just the way they are.  There’s no need to take a risk, hoping to make things better when there’s a greater chance it’s not.
• I hate feeling unwanted by the people I care about.  I hate approaching people, thinking that I’d be of help, when in reality people just want to be alone.  Even if people are being stubborn about it, looking like they don’t want help when they’re desperately waiting for you to ask, I just don’t want to try.  The last thing I want to hear is, “I’m sorry, but I really don’t want to talk to you right now.”

Anyway, some of my friends and I went to UNO’s today to support the senior class’ “Project Graduation.”  20% of our bill goes to the funds for the project.

I still don’t know what I want.

 

You Call That a Nice Day?

111509

I’m so ready for the winter cold that I didn’t truly appreciate the warm weather today.  Like, seriously, we were all playing tennis with one shirt on.

 

What Do I Want?!

111409

Recently, Saturdays have put me in such a bad mood.

Freaking rain.